Up-and-down

My blog is being covered with dust, a super thick one, for a long time, but I have no time to clear away the dirt. Feel so sorry to my lovely blog which has been accompanying me whenever up-and-down, and I realized that blogging is undoubtedly the best way to abreact the extreme feelings.

I just finished Biology mock exam today and I did it badly, couldn't finish the paper in time. Then, I'll have IELTS test on this saturday morning which means that I couldn't go back home this weekend. And, I have no more time to be wasted over the journey travel back and forth because I am having 3 mock exams next week !

Well, from August onward, sadness always by my side, everything just not in streamline. I noticed that I smile lesser, and tears is my best companion for most of the nights. Yes, love never simple, but communication is the staple problem of it. I have been trying so hard to protect myself from hurts, like a hermit crab, but I just cannot stow the exuberant feelings. It leaked out somehow. I always remind myself to be strong and not to have feelings like sadness and anger whenever they impinge upon me.

I'd like to buy the exquisite hand-made fabric cover of diary which I saw it in Poco, because I want to own a diary. The reason why I still not start to write diary yet is because I haven't found a fancy diary. And yet, the cover that I mention will resolve the problem. I must buy it in the next visit though it's quite expensive.

by_bittercoffee

Love never simple

Formerly, I was so naive think that love is as simple as ABC, it only requires a girl and a guy love each other wholeheartedly, other factors would not be a hindrance or even the reasons to pull them apart. However, I just realized that this thought never exist in this world -- a cruel fact I discover.

Love never simple.
Love is the most abstruse question for discussion ever. Everyone learning how to love in his or her lifetime. If you fail, you'll suffer the anguish consequence, dump by your loved one. The aftermaths can be greatly severe, one may not believes in love anymore or loss confidence in love.

Love is about attitude of a person. If you're a selfish person, you'll not live a blissful life eventually; if you're not considerate enough, you'll make your loved one down very often. He or she may feels badly for the whole day merely because of a single word come out from his or her love one's mouth.

It's like a seedling, sackful of love and care need to irrigate the small plant as it especially requires more.
I'm trying so hard to love you and to understand you, but we seems become farer and farer apart. You'd never know that I was crying when I said :" Oh, it' nothing." Is it a fault to love you ?
by_bittercoffee

Shall I ?

I miss you so much, do you know that all this while ?
I hope the one you said was me, the only one, no one else and won't be other one.
Nothing could replace you in bottom of my heart.
You has been wobbling my thought for many times, but you never realize it. And I sure it will goes on for the rest of my life.
No one could ever dacker me, except you !
My thoughts are swaying all the time because of you, and I felt guilty.
My feeling upon you has become stronger and stronger as far as no one could judges about it.
Sometimes, I think that that is kinda stupid to miss a person that might not love me. Moreover, he doesn't know about it.
I miss you every second, every moment, and whatever I am doing.
Do you ?
You are unreadable and elusory.
Shall I be the one, the only one in this world, to rely on you, to care you and to love you ?

by_bittercoffee

Special for someone. The one that told me about stars, sunrise and sunset.

It's back.

Sometimes you think it is coming near to you, but in fact it is not. And this is exactly what I am feeling right now. All of this just doesn't seem correct! I really hate to say that the feeling has come back! You know what the feeling I am talking about, and you know that this is the circumstance I scared the most. But it did really get back to me, how sad it is. I am totally out of my wits, feeling like want to get away from everything, stop to hear anything, or just let my mind be blank.

At the very start, I have been asking myself if this is the right choice. My heart answer me, since you have already decided, that's it...not much you have to think over. The thought induced me to put aside all the doubts and worries for a while. Then when I looked at your unsophisticated eyes, all the thoughts that feared me were gone. So, I didn't think about the worries anymore. However, it does come back to me over and over again. But then I tried hard to persuade myself that nothing to be worried about. This sounds like I am escaping something right ? Yea, I do. Something, something that I have no dare to confront.

I have no idea what I should do now, neither I could halt nor continue.

Rose is so beautiful and yet it is thorny.
I looked at the vermeil rose and yet I was feeling sad.

There's a secret deep in my heart. Big one.

by_bittercoffee

I miss you

Although you just away for few days, merely 3days, but I am so upset these few days. Just because you're out of my vision.
Am I too dependent on you ? Maybe I just miss you toooo much. I miss you lovely voice, your lovable songs...LOL.

I hope I have Doraemon by my side, therefore I can borrow his "Anywhere Door". Once I open the magic door, you'll appear in front of me and hug me tightly.
I didn't meet you for 2 days, this cause me to feel that you are thousand million miles apart from me. However, I deem that if you're at your home and I'm at my hostel, this lonely and suffering feeling wouldn't exist even though we have not meet for few days.
Every single hour just like one day -- suffering. I want to shout out my feeling to you loudly !!!
Pity me.........no body accompany me this weekend !!! Sad case.

I do miss you very much...
Stupid SSS...I hate you.

by_bittercoffee

The impact

Sigh, I thought the impact he left behind was negligible. Or I should say, the effect had vanished long time ago because he did influenced me time after time before this. And I deemed the aftermath had cleared away when my heart broke into million pieces, but it seems ain't like that.

The feeling of scare and insecure are with me all the time, whenever and wherever I am. They follow me and retain within me. I know their existence, but I just ignored them and think that everything will be fine then. However, I still can't cope with it though I'm working hard for it. Oh ya, please don't think that I am still loving that damn guy, am just talking about the terribly impact he gave me. What is the impact then ? Well, he made me afraid of being fall in love -- insecure more exactly, or doesn't believe in it anymore.

When it comes, I think I can manage it well. Yea, it is apparently, but isn't went on smoothly deep in my heart. Perhaps, time is the thing I need after all. And, maybe patient ?! It's just too hard to cope with the contradiction, rushes on everything indicate terminates it ahead of time.

by_bittercoffee

0623

LOL, since I start the post with "LOL", you can guess that my mood is quite good. All of this is because of many surprises I got in this year birthday.

Firstly, the message inbox is like usual -- a great many birthday wishes from my friends, including him. I was standing in amazement, I thought he won't wish me even though he remember my birthday because I rake over him when his birthday.
Surprisingly, there are 10 people called me to wish me, and some of them even sang the birthday song to me. Haha, this year was the first year I received calls from friends that wish me happy birthday. And the number of calls are amazedly many ! What I can reply them only thank you and laughter. Hahahaaa.
I didn't expect that I'll receive any pressie from anyone, but I was pleasantly surprised that I did get some pressies from my friends.
One more thing, my aunt that is same birthday with me visit to my house today. Haha, I do miss her, my uncle and my lovely cousin that is from China. So we snapping at FGS DongZen in the afternoon and have a chat with them. Will pay a visit to Genting before my cousin goes back to China.
At night, I had dinner at Tao which located in Kota Damansara with a special person. I thought we'll go back after that, but we went to Puchong to look on the night view. That is the place that I intend to go long time ago, but no chance allow me to witness the beauty of Puchong. Today, I witness the sheenful Puchong. Satisfied.

However, he didn't call me or even text me to wish me a happy birthday.
Maybe I am just too clinging to his wish.
Yea, I'm. I do miss him so much.

by_bittercoffee

愿望

以往的我，总是很期待生日的到来。
因为总是期待着心爱的人给我的惊喜；就算没有也没关系，只要他陪在我身边，那就够了！
现在的我，却对生日没有特别的兴奋。
因为我心爱的人不在我身边，就连一句生日快乐都没有！

今年是第三年单身的生日，可悲啊，没市场咯！
我并没有想要大势的庆祝，也不希望别人费心的挑礼物给我。
不知怎么的，突然对生日没有怎样特别的感觉。
还不是普普通通的一天，平凡地呼吸着大家所呼吸的空气；上天也不会特别眷顾我，让他陪在我身边！不要说陪在我身边，就连见个面门儿都没！

其实，我不喜欢吃蛋糕。至今，只有那天在豆原吃的柠檬蛋糕让我回味无穷；并不是那味道特别好，只是吃出了做蛋糕的人的用心还有主人热情地招呼。
还有把蜡烛吹一吹，生日愿望也不会真的实现。
可是，生日愿望嘛，我还是会许，总要给自己一个希望一个机会嘛！
我的愿望是如斯简单，如斯单纯，可也是最难实现的。

苦咖啡，生日快乐。

我还真希望你出现，带我去茅草山呢，Haiz...

by_bittercoffee

Y

幸福与不灭

现在的我，只想好好地隐藏心中的那把火。

它会在我心里，不灭；
但，我只想把它藏起来。
就算被别人发现了，一笑而过将会是我回答的方式；
我爱他，并没有什么好讨论的。

也因为，我没勇气！
我，不过是个没勇气的家伙。

从前的我，接受一个人都不经过大脑思考。
被伤害了，轮到我伤害别人；是因为害怕了，所以就得像刺猬一样保护自己。
后来的后来这几年，身边出现了很多人，可是我发觉原来要找一个真正适合和相爱的人真的很难，因为你一生中或许就只有那么一个！

我最讨厌那些把那分手当口头禅的情侣，多么幼稚；
反之，我很羡慕那些恩爱的小两口，因为他们知道何为珍惜。

我现在心里唯一的想法就是：他幸福就好！
我不是在伴伟大，只是这是我单身的这些年来所领悟的一些事。

相爱没那么容易啊！
因为这是两个人的事，一个人是永远办不到的。

我的心，慢慢的，慢慢的，沉淀了。

by_bittercoffee

R

一个人

曾经好几次冲动地想让你知道，想对你坦白，
可是最终还是努力地压抑着自己的情感。
深怕一爆发，后果并不是自己想象的那样！

我在想，何时应该告诉你？
又或许，没这必要。

发觉，你我的距离太遥远了。
领悟，你我似乎不太可能。
伤感，你从来没真正地看过我。
明白，单恋原来是件痛苦的事。

原来，我还是一个人。
一个人。

by_bittercoffee

E

不经意

你总是不经意地说一些会让人误会的字眼，
你总是不经意地说一些会让人伤心的字眼；
你的不经意总是让人欢喜让人忧。
你的不经意是故意还是真的不经意？
我好想问你，可是“算了吧”是你常说的话。
难道你不知道这是敷衍吗？
再一次，心落空了！

一直猜不透你的心，所以更想闯进你的内心。

懊恼！
懊恼是因为你猜不透的心思，
懊恼是因为你的心芳从没让我进去过，
懊恼是因为你的敷衍。

可是你从来都不知道这一切。

对了，你最近变得有点冷漠。
难道你知道了吗？

by_bittercoffee

R

past

Once, you hurted me deeply but I still loving you so much. You choose not to appreciate my love but cheated me once and again. Eventually, my little fragile heart broke like crystal and it is no longer repairable, scars are emerged after the wounds stitched. However, I appreciate the hurts you gave me, it enable me to grow more mature, and discern what are guys' real features and how hypocritical they are.

Well, I am glad that I never forget your birthday or specially call it to rememberance. It is impossible to delete you completely from my mind, the remnant of the memories still rewinding in recollection. I am not computer or electrical device, I can't entirely forget a person by just clicking a button. I will not forget you because you are pasrt of my past, your existence prove that I lived in the past.

You told me not to rest on the past, we must look forward and the past should not affect the present time. I tried hard and finally I succeed in letting you go, not being able to affect my life anymore.

Happy Birthday to you.

Orange, your favourite colour.
This is the last post I wrote about you, no more post about you will ever appear in my blog after this because my heart accomodate with another person, there is no more space for you.

0526
by_bittercoffee

旅程

没有你的旅程，少了一份甜蜜。

没有你的旅程，多了一份孤单。

我邀请你加入我的生活旅程，可以吗？

因为孤单的夜，寂静得很，让我害怕；

因为想你的夜，太多了，这是种折磨；

因为呼吸的每一个氧气原子，都是你的影子；

因为你总是出现在我的记忆里，挥霍不去；

因为我想要每天都告诉你：我。爱。你。

突然好想你！

[ 我猜不到你真正的感觉，

思念写成脸上的黑眼圈。

有的时候我宁愿你对我坏一点，

无法停止幻想我们的永远。

爱你是孤单的心事，不懂你微笑的意思，

只能像一朵向日葵在夜里默默地坚持；

爱你是孤单的心事，多希望你对我诚实，

一直爱着你，用我自己的方式。

我在你心里，有没有一点特别？

就怕你终究没发现，我还在你身边。]

-- 孤单心事

by_bittercoffee

F

明白

望着辽阔的蓝天，我想着你在想什么呢？

你心里想的那个人，会是我吗？

你心情不好时，我想安慰你，可是我不是个很会安慰别人的人，尤其是面对你。

所以我只想安静地陪着你。静静的。
你问我，值得那样做吗？

是的，值得的。因为想让你知道，你并不是一个人。

好比里头粉色的小花，它并不孤单。

我想在你身边，可以吗？

[ 我只是要你明白，明白我对你的爱。

除了你，我的爱无法取代。

我只是要你明白，明白我对你的爱。

没有人，让我如此的依赖。]

--丁当

by_bittercoffee

F

梦见了

你总不相信我说的话，总是质疑我说的一切。虽然我知道你只是说说而已，可是那些无心伤害的话却刺痛了我的心。

真的，这又是一个梦见你的夜晚。
因为你的出现，所以那是一个很甜很甜的梦。可是我竟然忘了那梦里的故事！
下次，下次我一定要把所有有你的梦境都记起来，那我才有证据！不会再哑口无言了。

最近的梦，总是出现你的影子。越来越想你了。该如何好呢？

现在好想见你，好想听你的声音！

by_bittercoffee

E

改变

从今天起，我改用华语来写部落格。
因为我不想让你知道我写的一切都是关于你，

因为我知道你不会看华语，

因为我想好好埋藏这秘密。

因为，你不属于我。

说或不说只是一线之差，或许有一天我内心里的小小火山爆发时，我会告诉你这秘密。

by_bittercoffee

J

I am falling for you

I dreamed of you again...whenever the situation with your existence will be a sweet memory, regardless of any grief happened. The answer is simply because of you. Because of you, everything just becomes fine.

It is the first time I feel that you are the one who I really wanted desperately. Even though I am well-known that I am not eligible for it, perhaps, but I would like to have a try. Definitely not now. It needs time to prove the feeling, it cannot barely say but no action. Yes, I deem. You stepped into my heart with a minuet at first. However, the flower blossomed out suddenly these few days, futhermore bestrew the lake of love with those small yet pretty flowers.

You are not a man in the street, you are such an extraodinary guy to me as the first person that I like the whole shoot, including your weakness and whatever not good. All your weakness converted to the good ones automatically. The one who gives the feeling to me as you would never be found in my life ever again because you are impossible to find on the other earth. Perhaps I am crazy for you, so I see no spot in you. Moreover, I feel distressed about the situation you are in now. I wished I could console and caress you as you stray from the right path, but you seemed found the correct way of life. I am very happy with that indeed.

My dear, has a nice day...

by_bittercoffee

missing you

I miss you, but I didn't tell you. Unless the degree of missing you reach a certain level, and it is incapable to be kept in the small room, heart, anymore. I want to tell you how badly I miss you every moment, but I am feared of the ignoring attitude again. And, I just don't understand you: Is someone deep in your heart that you cannot let go? In fact, a simple sentence, is enough to lighten up my day. But you would never tell me this.

The fist size little thing is pumping as long as I am still alive in this world. Whithin my body, the red colour blood circulate in the body over and over again. It is just blood. Besides carrying oxygen and nutrients to the body cells, blood also transports hormone to stimulate my body cells to miss you. So, the body cells brim of your charmingly images and your lovely voice. I can't stop to miss you.

It is undeniable that you grow in my heart, like a seed; whenever I miss you, nutrients are added to it, allowing this wonderful creature to become the flower with mellow hue. But the extraordinary of this small flower is the immortality of it's soul. Yes, it has a soul. This indicates that no end in this path, I have to continue it for life.

11.00am
by_bittercoffee

You are my star

You asked me:" Why are the stars so beautiful and why they are blinking all the time?" Lol, I regard this as a science question. Stars are blinking because the atmosphere is always windy and fluctuating, result in the position of the images are always changing. Hence, the stars appear to twinkle. This is my answer at first. But you told me that the stars are twinkling just because of the unique one, that is you. By the reason of you are chosen, so the eye of the night are twinkling.

Well, I have no idea about it. People always say the starry sky is beautiful. To my way of thinking, this is because of the foil of the dark background makes the stars are dazzling. Hence, the starlit night can be extraordinary lovely. However, I do believe that everyone on earth are unique, as you said, as well as the stars above the sky.

What you said today is not like what you would say normally. But I can trace it in your blog, the sentences you wrote are pretty and sentimental. I love to read your blog. Hopefully I can understand you more and more. And I wish what you said is exactly what you think in your mind...Hrm...

I am looking forward the time when we meet because I am gonna to impress you, baby. Lol ~

by_bittercoffee

< I hope >

You would never know that I like you. Even though you knew about it, but you just ignored it.

I hope to get your call whenever I need someone to be by my side.
I hope to see you whenever I miss you.
I hope to get your message though it is only a "hi."
I hope I can by your side when you feel stress.
I hope I can accompany you in your sleepless night until you fall sleep.
I hope I can make some food and take it for you when you say you have no time to eat.
I hope to take good care of you so that you won't fall sick easily.

And yet, all of those "I hope" above would not come true.
I also hope that you are my guardian angel. But your burden seems like too heavy, and I just don't want to bother you. Besides, I should not emerge in your world, and throw your life into confusion. I have no choice but to keep this secret in my heart.

by_bittercoffee

currently

We cannot make decisions too fast because there maybe an unexpected turning point lying ahead. Many examples around me prove that this is a virtual fact. One may says:" I certainly won't do this ", but he or she did it at last. This shows how unbelievable that person is; it related to one's character. So, instead of making decision in a short time, I will say:" we do not know what will happen in the end, so just wait and see". It is hatred to speak out my opinion in this way as it sounds quite irresponsible in some ways. Whenever I convey the message something like that, it must be a speechless situation or I have no any idea about it.

In my mind, it is actually something impossible to achieve, but I just don't want to conclude that it must not happen on me as transition of the process or decision may takes place. However, this kind of words cause many troubles to me as well as others, I deem. Because of the remarks, perhaps, people start to pursue it whereas I do not want it to happen. Causing a grief circumstance arise ultimately. How sad it is. Then, I could only speechless for it.

Sometimes, things simply happen naturally, do not change it purposely. I'm unsecured once again. I hope I can love someone whom I can really rely on, and the person love me too. However, there's no one. The reason why I aspire after love is due to I am sicked of the life at present time. I yearn after the caressing of my loved one, and give me a hug when I am moody.

The one I loved that don't like me.

by_bittercoffee

The eyes

Look at your picture, I realized that, maybe you love me very much. I could know that because you wore the birthday present, the shirt, that I presented you last two years. You are still the same...still the handsome one. The brown eyes are brimming with vigour always attract my eyesight.
Your eyes is the prettiest I have ever seen. When looking into your eyes, I could see the clear reflection. You always give me such a special feeling. However, I can't regard you as a normal friend, but not also a lover.

I want you to care about me, I want you to do everything for me, I want you to show me your love, I want all I wanted you to do so.

Can I merely say: " I love your eyes. "
Or,
can I barely say: " I love the orange-yellow shirt. "
Can I ?

1.32 am
by_bittercoffee

初恋的味道

初恋是最单纯的爱，没有目的，没有邪念，就是单纯的爱一个人。

我的初恋。五年了。

多年的今天，我竟然会回顾当时的回忆。我想倒带吗？不！我后悔了吗？不！初恋是每个人必经的成长过程，但愿你的初恋是个美好的回忆！当你回首时，你会会心地一笑，想说：啊......那就是最初最初的感觉。可是，我已忘了初恋的味道。我不知道那该算是甜蜜还是天真，那......到底算不算是爱？反思了好久，顶多只能算是纯粹的好感。然后在一起的日子久了，慢慢地习惯了对方的存在，让我错觉地以为：那就是爱。

看了初恋红豆冰（和海角七号的观后感一样），我的心泛起了阵阵的涟漪......
久久不能平息的心情，是感慨男孩和女孩最后都错过了彼此。相爱的两人，最后只能擦肩而过，成为陌路人。
Botak对打架鱼的默默付出，真是感触到我内心......希望自己喜欢的人，也会为自己那样做！如果真是那样，我一定毫不犹豫地嫁给他！（T & C：我爱的人）

感触良多。

爱的感觉，总是靠近我又远离我。你是无法体会那感觉的啦！我宁愿我不要爱过，那就不会有心痛的感觉了。深深受过伤的心，一次又一次，狠狠的，没有留下一句话，离开了。我竟然害怕爱的感觉！

Quoted from Yong Yi:
圆月有缺的时候，相对的圆缘也有不完美的时候。

10.03pm 19.04.2010
by_bittercoffee

New perception

From that time on, I don't believe in LOVE anymore. I start to contemplate what is love means and what is my intention wanna be loved ? I deem love happen naturally, the fire just break out unconsciously. You have no way to turn back, the only way is to continue your love. Some may get the blissed relationship, but some others may not.

There are many good guys in this world, but seem like will never happen to me. This result in myself not to trust that damned thing anymore ! I am fear to come across that lovely but frightful thing because it make me feel insecure once again. I really really hate that feeling. You may think that I'm pessimist, but that's the only feeling I have.

People always make a rod for one's own back, just like me....fear for it, but ask for it still. Sigh. The feeling of loving a person that impossible have the outcome is the worst one. It's suffered yet intoxicated.
Love someone doesn't mean must having he or she, as long as the one you loved is happy. But the problem is you are leading a stressful life, yet I am incapable to lighten up your day.

I'm trying hard to understand more about you, but you close the only passage.

by_bittercoffee

Tears...

Tears,
first drop,
second drop,
dropped on my shirt.

The small volcano within me comes to the end of its endurance and erupted eventually...

I tried to suppress it from streaming, but all of my efforts are in vain. I am upset everytime I come back to here, but I never weep for it, the tears had been swallowing back to my body and forgotten. This is the first time I cry in my hostel.

I am thinking about him, I want to text him a message...ask him to console my incomplete heart and say that we are only able to be friends, couldn't more than that. I haven't even able to type a word, he called me just in time. When I heard his voice, I cried even more badly. He very gan jiong, keep asking me what had happened. Then he started to scold me:" Play play play, no need to study la, how you going to be independent in your future ?" I could feel his caring though he was scolding me, I miss the past, but the feeling just couldn't allow me to go back...

I am so selfish, I had hurted him....I know he is back to me earnestly this time, but I only need his caring, nothing else.

I need caring ~
But ignored his love ~

by_bittercoffee ^^

Guilty

Firstly, I have deep thoughts and feelings today. Scenario of Taiwan episode are on view animatedly.

W drive swiftly to airport in order to send-off her lover. We, 4 of us are very gan jiong for her, because the time is silently approached. Yet, we took the wrong road, this made us even more gan jiong because we are severely had inadequate of time. W was extremely nervous and keep asking which is the correct route. She said she doesn't want to go when we are still on the way heading to airport, but we know she meant another. Who does not want to see his or her lover when he or she is going to somewhere far and meet only once or twice a year ?!

W is very tense until her eyes run with tears. Hopefully, W meet with his lover eventually before he enters the entrance gate. Fortunately, this didn't leave a remorse memory behind. In fact, this inspire me a lot.

I'm so compunction the whole day today. Felt so sorry...gosh !!! My heart is unstable, and I am utterly out of the way. I should make clear of it, don't fall into the trap or cause any needless misunderstandings. Believe me, my heart still there...nothing's gonna change my love for you.

p/s: Everyone should grab his or her blessed by his or her own, but I am just too timid -- I'd rather deceive myself it is there rather than hear the cruel reality.

by_bittercoffee ^^

Single...stiLL

Yea, I'm still single !!!

I have never receive Valentine's gift for 19 years, what a pity !!! With the love one who stay in my heart, but not pass the Valentine's day with him, because I know my position in his heart -- no position.
Hahaaa, looking forward his words, his approaches to me, and even his greetings...but I waited nothing, expected. Sigh...I'm after his carings, but he never !!!

LOL, I'm just too happy, because he finally says something to me face to face. Hey, don't think nonsense ya, merely normal conversation. But I don't know this is a good sign or otherwise ?! He told me before that he can't treat me normally like other people because I'm special, but yesterday he spoke to me, is that means I have become to normal friend and no longer special in his heart ??? I am scared, I'd never ask him questions that hidden in my heart for a long long period , because I scare the answers unveil would unfavorable. I am really afraid of !!!

Waiting, still waiting...

The song that he like,

Nothing's gonna change my love for you,
you ought to know by now how much I love you,
one thing you can be sure of,
I'll never ask for more than your love.

by_bittercoffee ^^

No more...

I stood still erectly, looking at the road ahead of me. More precisely, it is a T-junction. I stand aright at the bustle intersection point where vehicles are passing. It was a sweltering afternoon, beams of sunlight reflect on my face fervidly. Intolerable high temperature compelled the transpiration rate in my body to increase, sweat beaded on my forehead.

There is a parking space that I acquaintance with, my eyes fixed on the confine space spontaneously. However, the Rabbit would not wait for me at there anymore. The same situation I'm in now and the vehicles on the road are likewise -- nothing special, everything is the same as always ostensibly. But, there is a significant diffference for me !

It isn't there anymore, no more. I want to pursue after it, but grievely it prevent me from chasing. I miss it's smile, the dazzingly one. I just, I just want it to smile merely for me once again, this would satisfy my cupidity.

When the Rabbit will stop there only for me once more ?

I miss you, do you ?

by_bittercoffee ^^

the PASSION

It's still remain fresh in my memory that the purpose I open this blog is to note down the sweet and sour in my life. But...I found that the enthusiastic flame have gone out. The times I write on here become lesser and lesser, unless there is something special.

I read all of my older posts and I found that I am actually an absolute pessimist, as most of my friends said, my blog is always grief. Well, I hope I'm not. LOL, from this day onwards, I want to rekindle the blaze I once had, with no more entirely sorrow, but a bit as complements of my tedious writing.

On 01012010, I read a horoscopic book. The book mentions that Cancers have a hard life this year and there is only 1 star for the all-year luck. Gosh, see...how awful it is, sigh. Yea, I should work really really hard for this year to do my best in the external exams. Hope I could attain my targets and aim for A* ( 90/100%; so-called A star ), but only abnormal can get A*. I know I couldn't get it ( I'm too stupid ) but just take it as an impetus that always remind me to work hard, xD.

MUET and IELTS worrying me much. Sigh.....only english in my life, no more chinese ya !!! Seriously, Esthar, PLEASE SPEAK ENGLISH !!! I'm not "chuan" , but I have to speak english. Bear in mind, whoever speaks other than english will be amersed to treat a meal. Thanks for your co-operation.

by_bittercoffee ^^

Shopping...

Players: York Hang, Ling Ming, Miss Coffee

Venue: 1 Utama



After class, we went to 1U for shopping !!!

Chinese New Year is around the corner, but I still haven't owned even a new cloth yet. So, I asked them to go to 1U.



Shopping list:

1. branded wallet

2. english fiction book

3. mascara

4. honey

5. perfume

6. nail polish

7. clothes

8. jeans short-pants

I hope I'm not too greedy for all those above. But, I only bought 1 cloth and english fiction book !!! Isshhh, broke but daren't to request for more money. Is there anyone vonlunteer to present me as CNY or Valentine's Day pressies ?! xD...sad case sia. I want the wallet......and the perfume !!! Hmph...keep thinking of it though on the way back home, haiz.

Well, we had our dinner at Xian Ding Wei. Hrm, quite a good recommendation to you guys. I ordered an oyster noodle while the other two pretties ordered sets. It's tasty, at least it suit our appetite, but how about yours' ? Yet, I like it's chilli sauce...It is considered as spicy for me, so it's really hot for those whose taste are lite.

p/s: WALLET...I want you badly !!!

by_bittercoffee ^^

What happened on me ?

What had happened on me ???
I knew it well, something uneaseness that I couldn't control.
But I have to control it, prevent it from expending immensely inside my body.

I was really REALLY really
shocked + feared + grieved
when heard what you said to me.
It really surprised me and made me wordless instantly.
Actually disappointed rather than shocked.
What you guessed was right, my voice was deep and sullen...
Please don't take that as a joke with me, I scared...
You know, I totally relieved when I knew the fact >.<"

Sigh, I don't know what are you thinking about ?!
But you do so close with me...
Maybe the life way we lead are different and it means not much to you after all, but it takes root in my heart tardily.
I don't know what should I do ?
It's more than I expected...
INSECURE, I don't want to be hurted anymore !!!

p/s: I feel distress the lifestyle you lead...overwhelmed by pressure, but I was even more sad for I can't help you at all !!!

by_bittercoffee ^^

he CHANGE...

I am surprised that you had changed totally !!!

I am touch when you told me all that.

My tears almost come out of my eyes, my feeling was complicated........

Actually, I miss you too.

But why? Why the time just doesn't match ???

You are the one who ever gave me the feeling,

THE ONE,

as your name, The One.

I think I very understand you,

about your characters, attitudes, and manners,

I know about you thoroughly !!!

From our talk,

I know you change is because of me,

I believe it and accept it,

yet.....very happy with it !!!

Previously,

I had a mind intend to turn you into a good egg,

but I failed to do so since then.

Now,

I realized that I did it actually!!!

Maybe I should thanks to XXX,

due to her words, he change........

I respect you as my mom, and I miss you too !!!

But...........all of these are just too late.

If, if you told me all of these when your birthday,

I must nod my head as a child.

However, you had missed the golden opportunity that given for you.

I just want to tell you, you are SUCCESS !!!

YOU ARE SUCCESS !!!

Just keep on the pace, and maybe few years later everything will be different ?!

Including my perception on you ?!

Who knows ??!!

You can do that without me.....

Believe yourself and believe me too, I will always be with you though when you need me.

Keep on changing,

until I think you passed my requirements.

Today is a good day indeed !!!

by_bittercoffee ^^

what IF

What if

we never meet.

What if

we never know each other.

What if

we never contact.

What if

I never admit it.

What if

you never admit it.

What if

I never fall in love with you.

What if

the past are not memories.

What if

we never be like now.

What if

you love me.

What if

What if

What if,

I'm your lover...

Then all the above WHAT IF would not be established.

by_bittercoffee ^^